Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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