I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
