I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
