Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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