I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
