my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
