it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
