I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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