if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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