I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
