Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
