Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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