new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize