margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
