I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
