I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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