remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
