You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
