I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
