I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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