i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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