are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
