I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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