Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize