just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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