i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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