Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He shit in the fireplace
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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