someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
