he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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