made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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