I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
