guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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