I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
