sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
