i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize