You can't special order awesome
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
