remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
