i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
