i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize