Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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