i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
