Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
