he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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