I think my fart just growled at me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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