I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
