I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
