We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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