tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
