I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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