doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize