i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
