I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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