I wish my penis had an off switch
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
