you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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