do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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