A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
