I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
