im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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